My Experience with Authentic Living
Tsukina Blessing, Student of Western Sufism for seven years and ALI student for one year

Noticing a change in me, an old friend asked me recently how it's been. It's been an amazing journey to an authentic life. I feel as though a beautiful melody that was always there but mostly inaudible has been born into the world, and many of the old screechy parts of myself are fading to background noise. There is peace, fire, and joy in my life, instead of frustration, hope, fear and disappointment. I'm more spontaneous, capable, and present. In practical terms, what this means is that my husband tells me I'm a lot easier to be around most of the time; I no longer find myself in fits of impotent rage when dealing with my family of origin; my career is still stagnant, but that's no longer a source of frustration or anguish; and my satisfaction rating of life in general has gone up 1000%.

How did such a transformation occur? I've had years of therapy and years on the Sufi path, but for the recent change, I have to credit the last year working with the Authentic Living Institute. A friend in the work said to me "I now realize that nothing in the world out there supports my real being." The Authentic Living work helped me to see how I had created a projection of the world that supported the false ideas of myself that are my ego structure. And there came a moment when, having seen enough of my own ego patterns, and having had enough experiences of the amazing reality that I was keeping myself from experiencing with these patterns, I could simply see that the ego life was not where it's at. There was no charm or allure in those patterns any more. They are no longer a source of safety and comfort, but of desiccation. The ego is not morally bad, just boring. All my life I've heard about slaying the ego, renouncing the ego; it sounded so violent, and so difficult. For years I used mental ideals and false will in the hopes of refining the ego, to little result. And finally there came the day when I let myself realize that the false was unsatisfying, dry and dusty, and reality is the very nature of satisfaction, juiciness and aliveness.

Now, this is no Pinocchio story, where I suddenly woke up from my wooden and mechanical life to shout "Look papa, I'm a real human" and dance with the cat and the fish. The realization happened in a moment out of time, but the process of becoming ready for that realization took time. And the integration is taking time, too, but now there is the joy of understanding that the process is the point of the exercise, not just the way to some far off goodies.

So what does this process look like from the outside? One weekend a month, about 20 of us meet together with Michael Torresan, the director of the Authentic Living Institute. We spend some time covering intellectual models and then set out to explore an aspect of reality and the aspect of ego life that prevents us from experiencing it. All this occurs in the context of a group of dedicated, brave, ordinary people longing, seeking, and working to know Truth and live from it. We'll do some meditation, and a breath or chant practice to create an experience of the divine quality we're working with, then we'll explore the two sides of the ego's response to disconnection from that quality. So, for example, if we were working with strength, we would examine the position of the weak one, the victim, and the position of the falsely strong one, the angry one. We would break up into groups of two or three and explore how we use anger to stay small, or ask the question what scares me about having my strength?

These questions and exercises sound simple enough to be banal, but the results are amazing. How often do you spend 10 minutes of concentrated clarity devoted to understand the truth of yourself? The quality of the discovery is deeply influenced by the field of the group. As each person works, others witness from a place of non-reactivity. When I am serving as a witness to another's process, I am simply seeing, hearing and sensing. I am not thinking about what sort of socially appropriate, emotionally supportive or spiritually insightful response I am supposed to have. I'm not trying to fix anything or even necessarily keep the story straight in my head. It is enormously freeing, and there is something quite pleasurable about watching the truth unveil itself.

Although at first it seems terrifying, it is amazing what it does to have one or two people witness my exploration. By their attentive, non-judgmental presence, I am sustained to deepen my self-understanding. There is constant confirmation that not everyone will laugh or be angry at me for my thoughts and feelings. I am freed of the need to entertain others or defend myself. As my ego reveals itself to me, I can explore my reactions to being seen, my longing for validation and my fear of exposure.

As we have developed trust and skill over the year together, the group has become like one big learning organism. Seeing each person's ego shines light on my own, since ego is a repetitive and boringly uncreative set of strategies. Sharing experiences of essential states helps me become more precisely aware of a state in the moment and helps prevent me from denying or devaluing it later. And having these states in an environment with other people gives me a constant testing ground - if I am feeling that the fabric of the universe is made of love, does this apply to the guy across the room who has a frown like my father's?

As I am writing, I look at why this work is valuable to me, since it is one of the most important things in my life. I have long believed that my life is to be of service to others. And now I can see clearly that I cannot begin to be of service until I am a human being, rather than a collection of habits and patterns. This work has helped me understand and integrate my past learning and experiences in such a way that I can begin to be in contact with reality, rather than living in a world of projection. This is the way that I see where I am needed and provide help - by being in touch with the moment-to-moment unfurling edge of reality and realizing myself as that unfoldment in action. I hope that in some way this article may be of service to you.

Tsukina Blessing has studied with guides and teachers of three streams of the teachings of Hazrat Inayat Khan. She is a Healing Conductor in the Sufi and Dervish Healing Orders, a Semazen in the Mevlevi Order of America. She is a student of Raphaelite Work, a hands-on healing approach in the Sufi tradition, and a practitioner in Jin Shin acupressure, a marriage of Chinese medical wisdom informed by modern psycho-therapeutic understanding. If you are interested in scheduling a session in either the Seattle area or Port Townsend area, pleas contact Tsukina at 360-732-5033 or tsukina@yahoo.com.